Editor’s note: This is the first in an ongoing series of Mark’s Metal Op-Ed pieces. Enjoy and feel free to chime in.

Reunions are all the rage in metal these days, with everyone from Faith No More to Limp Bizkit announcing special shows and possible albums. Most of the time, the underlying, money-making agenda of these reunions is clouded by the fan excitement after years and years of clamoring for more. But be warned Metalheads, as more and more bands dust off the instruments for another go, your memories of them may be altered. For every Carcass, there’s Anthrax with Joey Belladonna, and much like Jordan in a Wizards uniform, a horrid final encounter changes your perception FOREVER. However, money talks, and the success of these tours and albums has guaranteed there are more to follow. I shudder to think of what legacies may be ruined, but here are 3 Metal Reunions that I foresee happening that will totally suck:

Sepultura with Max

I honestly don’t think there is any Cavalera influence in Sepultura now, but with Igor and Max together making music again, this is bound to happen. Especially since Cavalera Conspiracy probably put out one of the worst albums I’ve ever heard, and A-Lex isn’t exactly printing money for Derrick Green, Andreas Kisser and Paulo Jr (should he be “Paulo Sr” now?). Money’s tight, and there’s definitely money to be made with an old-school Sepultura tour. I’m sure this would be huge in Japan, Europe and South America and cause waves of Americans to break out their Chaos A.D. hockey jerseys. Unfortunately, these guys cant play their old stuff anymore, Max’s riffing is sloppy and the last live tracks I heard from Igor, he was changing some of the more complex parts to easier drum fills. I guess you lose some of your chops when you’re busy playing a djembe with Amazonians. I’m predicting an album title with a single word in either Portuguese or sounding sinister (“PAINLIFE“, “FUTA“, “CHUPACABRA!”)

Danzig with Original Lineup

A recipe for disaster! I’m sure everyone would like to see the “classic” Danzig lineup from the first 4 albums, but it’s an idea that should remain on paper. Now it might never happen because Glenn’s ego, but I can see it because without those other three, everything he touches turns to shit. He tried to do his own package tour, Blackest of the Black… and since I’ve never talked to anyone who’s attended, nor read a single review, I’m assuming that it’s so off-the-radar, that it’s a complete flop. Plus, the mystique of Danzig and of Glenn himself has work off. We’ve all seen his true self: a sad man with little touch with reality and a bulging waistline. When we were in high school, he was evil… now? he’s just balding. I’m sure seeing them stumble through Lucifuge tracks would only serve as a depressing reminder that we’re all older, fatter and embarrassed of our “wolf tattoos”.

Pantera

Before everyone cries, “It’ll NEVER happen!!, Phil and Vinnie hate each other!“, just hold on. Vinnie Paul is a businessman, lending his name to any cheesy money-making opportunity such as strip clubs or custom snare drums that are ugly as sin. He wants to be Gene Simmons, but with more facial hair and he wants to keep a legacy alive. Although his brother’s death ended his legitimate music career, he keeps trying to form “supergroups” that play shitty aggro-metal that appeals to rednecks, jocks and neanderthals. There will come a time where Anslemo and him patch things up, and they will release a statement to Blabbermouth saying how they “just had a urge to rock out those kickass Pantera grooves again!!” or “Dime would’ve wanted us to keep drinking and keep crushing these tunes live on stage!!” They will probably get Zakk Wydle to play guitar, he will dye his beard pink, and it will be an all-out atrocity of the highest sorts. Face it, as much as the idea first seems ludicrous, right now, you’re saying to yourself…”Yep, I can see that happening.”