Justin’s Review:

It’s been a long time since Riki Rachtman went skydiving with Megadeth, and honestly, mainstream metal programming hasn’t fared well since (sorry Jamey… it just wasn’t the same). So in theory, the prospect of a new metal talk show (featuring guest interviews, trivia, round table discussions, heated debates, etc) sounds pretty badass. Well… leave it to VH1 to take that concept and water it down (ie: piss on it) to the point where watching even 5 minutes seems like a chore. To call That Metal Show trite is almost an understatement, as there’s basically nothing “metal” about it whatsoever. (Is it me, or does the set look like a smoking lounge at the Playboy Mansion with a few Motorhead albums laying around?)

TMS suffers from a plethora of issues, but to make a long story short (too late!), it’s just plain stale. Stale format, stale jokes, stale guests and worst of all… stale metal. I shit you not, I’ve watched (suffered) through at least 8 episodes, and the most modern band I’ve heard mentioned was Slipknot. Uh… what? Yep… that’s the kind of rip-roaring metal commentary you can expect to find on TMS. Now, forgive me… I understand that it is VH1 we’re talking about here, but unless you really give a flying fuck about what the former guitarist for U.F.O. is up to these days, you might be better off watching John & Kate Plus Eight; because that’s easily more riveting (and more metal).

Despite the lack of tr00 klvt being found in the same stratosphere as TMS, what makes it even more unbearable are co-hosts Jim Florentine and Don Jamieson. With such impeccably poor comic timing, it’s difficult to tell if they actually write their own jokes or just leave it up to the interns at VH1. The only original material these two losers can seem to come up with is some variation of the words “Eddie Trunk” and “pie” being used in the same sentence. Eesh. But that’s not all… a recent episode featured both Florentine and Jamieson committing the most blasphemous act imaginable in the world of metal… admitting to preferring “Nü-tallica” to “Old-tallica”. If that’s not cause for getting the show canceled outright, I don’t know what is.

As I’m sure you could’ve guessed by now, the interviews are pretty much a disgrace as well. At least half of the guests that I’ve seen on TMS (Lita Ford, Yngwie Malmsteen, Ace Frehley, Gary Cherone) make Ghaal seem more poignant than Barack Obama. “Tea with Lemmy?” Are you kidding me? Who comes up with this shit?

If TMS does have one redeeming quality, it’s that for 22 minutes a week, old dudes like me can feel young again.

If you’re a television sadist, TMS airs on VH1 Classic on Saturdays at 11/10C… right about the time that their target audience is hitting the local karaoke bar to belt out some Creed tunes.

Justin’s Rating:

King says: “This show stinks worse than the seat of Grandma’s rocking chair.”

Mark’s Review:

I’m going to cut to the chase: VH1 Classic’s That Metal Show isn’t just an insult to metalheads everywhere, but it’s pretty much an abomination of basic cable television programming. Watching the show is like enduring a Bataan Death March through some of the worst joke-writing, on-air banter, and canned comedy bits this side of Public Access. I’d rather suffer a good, longwater-boarding than watch comedians Jim Florentine, Don Jamieson and radio host Eddie Trunk, “talk metal”, but apparently, the brass at VH1 and Viacom think this is the cutting edge of underground culture. What results is a giant pile of shit that makes Heavy Metal and those who love it look incredibly stupid.

There’s so much wrong with this show, it’s hard to know where to start. Florentine and Jamieson shoehorn painfully lame jokes into every interview, and when they’re not doing that, they’re dropping worthless nuggets of information about old Accept or Kix records (ie: shit no one cares about). The interviews with metal stars such as Lemmy, Geoff Tate, Lita Ford and Mike Portnoy are hurried in order to awkwardly segue into the next pre-taped, cheesy bit. Even the editing is shitty! Every episode features several drawn-out shots of one of the hosts staring into space, chin-fucking the guest while they speak off-camera. The worst part of TMS is by far Trunk, who has somehow parlayed his gig as a sub-par DJ into this. (Editor’s note: Nice glamor shot Eddie… so totally Metal!!!)

Trunk acts as the “People’s Spokesperson for Heavy Metal”, but his lack of knowledge and disregard for preparation are an embarrassment to anyone who’s ever listened to Ride the Lightning. No where is this more apparent than the extremely awful segment “Stump the Trunk“, where the studio audience gets to ask “metal trivia” questions in an effort to win crappy grab-bag prizes brought out by what I assume is a tranny dressed as Tawny Kitaen . First off, Trunk is unable to answer probably more than half the questions asked, and the ones he does answer all have to do with Kiss, UFO or Scorpions. Second, the viewer is forced to watch Trunk’s sweaty, blotchy face stammering through his replies as Florentine drags out wave after wave of loser, each one uglier and more nervous to be on camera than the previous. These audience members seem to be hand-picked and outfitted by VH1 to look the part of a metalhead. Many feature terrible tattoos, torn jean jackets, faded Kreator shirts or Zubaz.

I think the aspect of TMS that irks me the most is how they paint the metal fan as a complete moron. In the minds of the TMS producers, every metalhead wears a faded leather jacket with studs, is still rocking to WASP, and quit his job cause his boss just didn’t “get” his rebel lifestyle. So, pretty much the complete stereotype of the All-American Imbecile. Also, the guys on TMS feel like they have to explain every detail to the viewer about the topic at hand, expecting them to know nothing about typical metal facts and information. Hey VH1, maybe Trunk and the rest of the staff know nothing, but we do. Many people did not like the Riki Rachtman-hosted Headbanger’s Ball, but at least he treated the audience with respect, and assumed you had a passion for what is new and a knowledge of your metal history. That Metal Show is an out-of-touch and ridiculous reminder of what people still think Heavy Metal is, and it’s broadcast is a waste of airtime and technology.

Mark’s Rating:

King says: “Zero metal = Zero makeup.”