Chris’ Review:

If you were worried (like me) about the world’s supply of cover albums running low, give thanks to Six Feet Under and Metal Blade for issuing their third (third!!) edition of death metal versions of “Graveyard Classics.” I know I’ve been railing for years to anyone that would listen, “There is so much great metal and punk from the 1980’s, and nobody knows about it! Nobody’s marketing it! There’s a gold mine waiting to be discovered and respectfully elevated to its honorable status, and you’re all walking around like zombies controlled by the “new music” piping through you ear buds. Wake up!” Finally we have friends at Metal Blade that ‘get it’ and assigned a talented, young group of death metal musicians to show today’s metal fans what they’re missing.

Ok, I just listened to Graveyard Classics III, and I need retract everything written above. As a collection, the album is a sack of crap. A couple tracks are interesting, but have no chance at redeeming the rotting, audio turds that should have never been unearthed from the cesspit in which they festered. (Hey, writing death metal is fun!)

There’s almost no theme to the album, so I’m going to have to break it down for you track-by-track:

The opening cover of Mercyful Fate’s “A Dangerous Meeting” reminds you of how good Mercyful Fate’s songs are, but does not make you want to listen to Six Feet Under any more. Most decent 80’s metal songs sound tougher when recorded in a modern production style, but that’s a tribute to affordable studio electronics, not the band. The same could be said about most the tracks on here.

The first Canadian import comes from the re-discovered Anvil. “Metal on Metal” sucked then, sucks now.

The next two tracks are from Slayer and Metallica. These tracks are decent, but how could a death metal band of any skill screw up a classic thrash track? It’s like congratulating an asshole on being an asshole. It should just come natural.

Our next Canadian clunker comes via Bachman Turner Overdrive. Seriously? See “Metal on Metal,” above.

Now honestly, without sarcasm, I did kind of dig this version of Van Halen’s “On Fire.” VH albums are barely listenable to me, but a competent, metallic version of one of their faster songs will make you nod your head. Barnes’ ‘grandma’ vocals ruin it, though.

This Exciter song sure sucks. Something about it sucks extra hard, but I can’t put my finger on it. What could it be? Oh, here it is! Exciter is Canadian. See above. If they move the Buffalo Bills to Toronto, one of the conditions should be that Toronto also has to take Chris Barnes.

Nothing says ‘eighties’ like Twisted Sister. And nothing says “Six Feet Under is fucking with us,” like Chris Barnes growling, “He’s gonna kick your ass!” at the end of this track.

This cover of the Ramones’ “Psychotherapy” makes it really hard to convince non-metal fans that death metal is not a joke.

Finally we have the album closer, a closet classic from the 90’s, actually, Prong’s “Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck.” Any fan of Headbanger’s Ball of a certain era remembers this song (I’m one of them.) Checking back to Prong’s Cleansing album, these guys sound like nu metal before it was nu. I’m not sure Prong ever received the respect that a band on the bleeding edge of a new style deserves, and I’m not sure this shitty cover is going to help with that.

In summary, this cover album goes as most cover albums go. It feels more like an attempt to milk some extra dollars from the fans, and doesn’t do the covered or the coverers much justice. I have an album of Black Sabbath songs played on sitars that’s just about the same thing; I’ve listened to it once.

Chris’ Rating:

King says: “I’ve got to start being more careful about who I give my publishing rights to. And what the hell is wrong with Canada?”

Matt’s Review:

I remember it well – about 16 years ago – when I first heard Cannibal Corpse’s cover of Black Sabbath’s “Zero The Hero.”  Even though I had been a Sabbath fan for quite some time (yes, even Ian Gillian-era), I had just started venturing into death and grindcore territory, as far as expanding my metal horizons was concerned. Regardless, I was still a green teenage musical whore and it didn’t take much for something to seduce my inner ear canals at that point, as long as it was heavy.  Needless to say, what can potentially be a very good thing can also be a very baaaaaad thing.  How else would you explain my brief love for Nuclear Assault?  Anyways, back to the point… I loved the first minute of the song.  It was heavier and doomier than the original.  Then the vocals came in.  That’s it.  That’s the end of my story.

Oh, I’ll just cut the crap already – I’ve never cared much for Chris Barnes as a vocalist (or as a musician for that matter).  Don’t get me wrong.  I know that his vocal style inspired a lot of other tone-deaf dude-bros with no sense of melody to start gutter-growling into a microphone, and for that I have to at least give him SOME form of props.  But like I said earlier, what can potentially be a good thing can actually be a giant shit sandwich exploding like an atomic bomb on a small country, radiating all sorts of shit-like deformities on everything and everyone it touches along the way.  Oh wait, that was the long version.  Sorry dude-bros, my bad…

After hearing the first two Graveyard Classics albums, I had a pretty good idea of what to expect on this one – heavier, down-tuned, unimaginative, pointlessly inferior versions of the originals with the same damn gutter-growling from start to finish.  Regardless, I was determined to keep an open mind and give the ole’ Six Feet boys a completely unbiased critique… assuming that I would be able to make it through the entire album without pulling all of my pubes out one-by-one, that is… turns out my will was strong, so my pubes stayed intact.

The first track, Mercyful Fate’s “A Dangerous Meeting,” brought back the same memories of when I first heard “Zero The Hero.”  I mean, what did I actually expect?  Chris Barnes to start singing falsetto?  Well maybe, but is it really that wrong for me to ask him to at least try not to sound like a total dipshit while singing someone else’s songs?  Weh-hell-hell, apparently it is…

I got much of the same vibe on the second track, which is Anvil’s “Metal On Metal.”  You know, there’s a reason why Anvil never ‘made it.’  They are simply a terrible band… and this is a terrible cover.

Now that brings us to track 3, Metallica’s “The Frayed Ends Of Sanity,” which also happens to be one of my favorite Met songs ever.  I must say, the rhythm tracks are pretty solid, but the solo is pretty damn sloppy and ruins it all for me.  This doesn’t make much sense since, well, the solo IS overdubbed and it IS possible to re-record it if it’s played shitty.  On the brighter side, Gall is a better drummer than Lars.

Slayer’s “At Dawn They Sleep” is actually one of the better covers on the album, in my opinion.  Sure, it’s nowhere near as good as the original, but it somehow suits them well.  Don’t ask me why.  Oh, and Gall’s fill at the end isn’t bad either.

BTO’s “Not Fragile” just plain sucks.  Bad choice.  Very bad choice.

Oh yeah, the same goes for Van Halen’s “On Fire” and Exciter’s “Pounding Metal.“  On a roll, boys.  On a roll.

Until now… they actually redeem themselves with Twisted Sister’s “Destroyer.“  It might be the only song on the album that actually sounds like it could be an original.  For me, it translates pretty well… although I’m not totally convinced that J.J. French (or even Dee for that matter) would be proud to hear this.

“Psychotherapy” by the Ramones is pretty hard to butcher completely since, well, it is punk after all.  As someone I played it for told me, it “sounds like Cookie Monster does the Ramones.”  I can just picture that Sesame Street episode right now -  a bunch of little kids are dancing around like idiots while the Cookie Monster hardcore dances and growls into a microphone… where were these episodes when I was a kid???

I can’t really say that they end with a bang, but “Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck” isn’t too bad.  They do a decent job with the music, I think.  However, it’s another one of those songs where it doesn’t really matter how the vocals sound because the original ones weren’t that great to begin with (sorry Tommy, I didn’t mean to bring you into this).

All in all, that makes about 3 somewhat listenable covers on this entire album, which isn’t exactly good since that also means they’ve managed to successfully botch the other 7 songs, in my opinion. At this rate, there’s no reason to believe that this shit storm will stop, especially since this is already their third installment.  Hmmm… something tells me that they enjoy pissing on amputated legs.

Matt’s Rating:

King says: “Fuck these guys… they broke the oath.”

Have A Listen:

Six Feet Under – A Dangerous Meeting:

Download audio file (SFU_A_Dangerous_Meeting.mp3)

Speaking of commercials… please enjoy one before your video begins, courtesy of MTV… (I would’ve certainly posted a YouTube version, but the marketing department at camp BFMV apparently don’t like metal blogs making fun of their band, so they’ve disabled embedding).

Justin’s Review

Man… it’s been a long time since I graduated high school, but back then, dudes wearing Maiden and Slayer t-shirts weren’t the total pussies they seem to be nowadays. Good thing Bullet For My Valentine are around to show these wimps that all you need is a little patience, a remote wooded area, and 3 copies of Twilight on DVD to stand up to those jock fuckheads.

Wait a minute… don’t jock fuckheads listen to Bullet For My Valentine? OH SHIT… RUN!

Mark’s Review

If there’s one thing I hate more than TEACHERS and PARENTS, it’s fucking JOCKS! Everyone’s always telling me I need to change my ways, but fuck that, I’m true to MYSELF!!!. So when I watch this video, it’s like someone had a camera on my LIFE. Bullet for my Valentine is REAL, COMPRENDE??? They don’t follow trends like shitty Taylor Swift and Lifehouse (FAGS!! LOL!!). In fact, Matt Tuck once said he doesn’t give a SHIT about trends or “what his fucking hair looks like”, and I believe him, cause when I saw the band at the Mayhem Fest (sponsored by Hot Topic), they totally looked like they kicked ass!!! I hope this video inspires other kids like me that are total UNDERGROUND to change into werewolves and murder people who pick on them.

It’s been a long time since Riki Rachtman went skydiving with Megadeth, and honestly, mainstream metal programming hasn’t fared well since (sorry Jamey… it just wasn’t the same). So in theory, the prospect of a new metal talk show (featuring guest interviews, trivia, round table discussions, heated debates, etc) sounds pretty badass. Well… leave it to VH1 to take that concept and water it down (ie: piss on it) to the point where watching even 5 minutes seems like a chore. To call That Metal Show trite is almost an understatement, as there’s basically nothing “metal” about it whatsoever. (Is it me, or does the set look like a smoking lounge at the Playboy Mansion with a few Motorhead albums laying around?)

TMS suffers from a plethora of issues, but to make a long story short (too late!), it’s just plain stale. Stale format, stale jokes, stale guests and worst of all… stale metal. I shit you not, I’ve watched (suffered) through at least 8 episodes, and the most modern band I’ve heard mentioned was Slipknot. Uh… what? Yep… that’s the kind of rip-roaring metal commentary you can expect to find on TMS. Now, forgive me… I understand that it is VH1 we’re talking about here, but unless you really give a flying fuck about what the former guitarist for U.F.O. is up to these days, you might be better off watching John & Kate Plus Eight; because that’s easily more riveting (and more metal).

Despite the lack of tr00 klvt being found in the same stratosphere as TMS, what makes it even more unbearable are co-hosts Jim Florentine and Don Jamieson. With such impeccably poor comic timing, it’s difficult to tell if they actually write their own jokes or just leave it up to the interns at VH1. The only original material these two losers can seem to come up with is some variation of the words “Eddie Trunk” and “pie” being used in the same sentence. Eesh. But that’s not all… a recent episode featured both Florentine and Jamieson committing the most blasphemous act imaginable in the world of metal… admitting to preferring “Nü-tallica” to “Old-tallica”. If that’s not cause for getting the show canceled outright, I don’t know what is.

As I’m sure you could’ve guessed by now, the interviews are pretty much a disgrace as well. At least half of the guests that I’ve seen on TMS (Lita Ford, Yngwie Malmsteen, Ace Frehley, Gary Cherone) make Ghaal seem more poignant than Barack Obama. “Tea with Lemmy?” Are you kidding me? Who comes up with this shit?

If TMS does have one redeeming quality, it’s that for 22 minutes a week, old dudes like me can feel young again.

If you’re a television sadist, TMS airs on VH1 Classic on Saturdays at 11/10C… right about the time that their target audience is hitting the local karaoke bar to belt out some Creed tunes.

Justin’s Rating:

King says: “This show stinks worse than the seat of Grandma’s rocking chair.”

Mark’s Review:

I’m going to cut to the chase: VH1 Classic’s That Metal Show isn’t just an insult to metalheads everywhere, but it’s pretty much an abomination of basic cable television programming. Watching the show is like enduring a Bataan Death March through some of the worst joke-writing, on-air banter, and canned comedy bits this side of Public Access. I’d rather suffer a good, longwater-boarding than watch comedians Jim Florentine, Don Jamieson and radio host Eddie Trunk, “talk metal”, but apparently, the brass at VH1 and Viacom think this is the cutting edge of underground culture. What results is a giant pile of shit that makes Heavy Metal and those who love it look incredibly stupid.

There’s so much wrong with this show, it’s hard to know where to start. Florentine and Jamieson shoehorn painfully lame jokes into every interview, and when they’re not doing that, they’re dropping worthless nuggets of information about old Accept or Kix records (ie: shit no one cares about). The interviews with metal stars such as Lemmy, Geoff Tate, Lita Ford and Mike Portnoy are hurried in order to awkwardly segue into the next pre-taped, cheesy bit. Even the editing is shitty! Every episode features several drawn-out shots of one of the hosts staring into space, chin-fucking the guest while they speak off-camera. The worst part of TMS is by far Trunk, who has somehow parlayed his gig as a sub-par DJ into this. (Editor’s note: Nice glamor shot Eddie… so totally Metal!!!)

Trunk acts as the “People’s Spokesperson for Heavy Metal”, but his lack of knowledge and disregard for preparation are an embarrassment to anyone who’s ever listened to Ride the Lightning. No where is this more apparent than the extremely awful segment “Stump the Trunk“, where the studio audience gets to ask “metal trivia” questions in an effort to win crappy grab-bag prizes brought out by what I assume is a tranny dressed as Tawny Kitaen . First off, Trunk is unable to answer probably more than half the questions asked, and the ones he does answer all have to do with Kiss, UFO or Scorpions. Second, the viewer is forced to watch Trunk’s sweaty, blotchy face stammering through his replies as Florentine drags out wave after wave of loser, each one uglier and more nervous to be on camera than the previous. These audience members seem to be hand-picked and outfitted by VH1 to look the part of a metalhead. Many feature terrible tattoos, torn jean jackets, faded Kreator shirts or Zubaz.

I think the aspect of TMS that irks me the most is how they paint the metal fan as a complete moron. In the minds of the TMS producers, every metalhead wears a faded leather jacket with studs, is still rocking to WASP, and quit his job cause his boss just didn’t “get” his rebel lifestyle. So, pretty much the complete stereotype of the All-American Imbecile. Also, the guys on TMS feel like they have to explain every detail to the viewer about the topic at hand, expecting them to know nothing about typical metal facts and information. Hey VH1, maybe Trunk and the rest of the staff know nothing, but we do. Many people did not like the Riki Rachtman-hosted Headbanger’s Ball, but at least he treated the audience with respect, and assumed you had a passion for what is new and a knowledge of your metal history. That Metal Show is an out-of-touch and ridiculous reminder of what people still think Heavy Metal is, and it’s broadcast is a waste of airtime and technology.

Mark’s Rating:

King says: “Zero metal = Zero makeup.”